All this uncertainty, this confusion is extremely frustrating. Knowing only that I don't know anything gets to me. And just when I have given up, when I don't know what to do, suddenly, from somewhere, hope comes. I can't see her but I can feel that she is beautiful- probably the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer. She lifts my spirits, puts a smile on my face, and I am made to wonder if I am in love, again.
I hope. I hope that soon I shall know. I hope that there will be peace soon. I hope that the churning uncertain waters will become tranquil soon. I hope that the questions will evaporate from the sea of questions soon.
And I hope that hope will keep coming back to me whenever I need her!
V
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
V
It has been a long time since I have been wanting to meet someone who understands me- I don't know if that will do me any good or not but nevertheless the want is there. I don't know where to look. I don't know if such a person exists or not.
May be I am just tired of trying to explain myself; tired of people telling me what is wrong with my thoughts; tired of trying to tell people not to try to find sense in my thoughts, actions, decisions. May be I just want to meet someone who will accept me the way I am, the way I have become; someone who will not question; someone who will have answers- all the answers.
Can you tell me where to find such a person?
V
May be I am just tired of trying to explain myself; tired of people telling me what is wrong with my thoughts; tired of trying to tell people not to try to find sense in my thoughts, actions, decisions. May be I just want to meet someone who will accept me the way I am, the way I have become; someone who will not question; someone who will have answers- all the answers.
Can you tell me where to find such a person?
V
IV
For anyone who may come across this
There is something amiss. Something is not right. Sudden mood changes are not good signs. I don't know. Just leave me alone. Just let me be. Let me be whoever, however, whatever I am- good or bad, selfish or not, stupid or smart, senseless or sensible- I don't know what I am. So just don't classify me, don't tell me what I already fear might be true. I don't know how I will react, and I am saying this right now. So don't blame me later. Please for God's sake try and understand. Please.
Vriksha
There is something amiss. Something is not right. Sudden mood changes are not good signs. I don't know. Just leave me alone. Just let me be. Let me be whoever, however, whatever I am- good or bad, selfish or not, stupid or smart, senseless or sensible- I don't know what I am. So just don't classify me, don't tell me what I already fear might be true. I don't know how I will react, and I am saying this right now. So don't blame me later. Please for God's sake try and understand. Please.
Vriksha
Friday, April 16, 2010
F**k science! And logic!
It all converges to one concept- faith, belief. What is it that you believe in; what is it that appeals to you. Do you believe in logic, in reason, in science? Do you believe in the mystical, in religion? Cynics should say that this is blasphemy, that I am just rubbishing about, that faith has no place in science, in logic. Really? Let us examine things a bit more deeply.
Science is based on experiments, which are in turn based on sensory perception, and on inference. May be it will be better to consider an example. I say that we cannot be sure of anything in this world. You do not agree. You say that we know for sure that if I throw a ball in the air, it will come down. I ask why. You say because of the law of gravity- any two masses attract each other. I ask if this law is infallible. You say that it has been infallible so far because no exception has been observed. I ask if you can guarantee that just because no exception has been observed so far, no exception will ever be observed. You say that no one can guarantee that. End of discussion.
We do not know for sure if any damned given scientific law will hold in the next moment, but still we bank on these laws, we swear by them, we live and design our lives based on them. Why? Because these laws have been observed to be true for, let's say, a thousand years, or a million, or billion years. So? That does not mean that they will hold for another million years; that does not mean that these laws are infallible. The dinosaurs lived and thrived for millions of years but that did not guarantee their survival for eternity- according to science, one fine day, a meteor decided to visit our dear earth, and annihilated them. What argument can you give to assure me that any given law will not meet a similar fate?
Still, science is to be considered grater than religion. I do not agree. Is not the usage of these scientific laws based on blind faith? Does a man of science not believe that these laws are infallible? Does he not believe in observation and sensory perception? Can he justify his beliefs? If not, then science and religion might not be as different as we are made to believe. Their foundations may not be so different after all- they may both be equally strong or weak.
Science is based on experiments, which are in turn based on sensory perception, and on inference. May be it will be better to consider an example. I say that we cannot be sure of anything in this world. You do not agree. You say that we know for sure that if I throw a ball in the air, it will come down. I ask why. You say because of the law of gravity- any two masses attract each other. I ask if this law is infallible. You say that it has been infallible so far because no exception has been observed. I ask if you can guarantee that just because no exception has been observed so far, no exception will ever be observed. You say that no one can guarantee that. End of discussion.
We do not know for sure if any damned given scientific law will hold in the next moment, but still we bank on these laws, we swear by them, we live and design our lives based on them. Why? Because these laws have been observed to be true for, let's say, a thousand years, or a million, or billion years. So? That does not mean that they will hold for another million years; that does not mean that these laws are infallible. The dinosaurs lived and thrived for millions of years but that did not guarantee their survival for eternity- according to science, one fine day, a meteor decided to visit our dear earth, and annihilated them. What argument can you give to assure me that any given law will not meet a similar fate?
Still, science is to be considered grater than religion. I do not agree. Is not the usage of these scientific laws based on blind faith? Does a man of science not believe that these laws are infallible? Does he not believe in observation and sensory perception? Can he justify his beliefs? If not, then science and religion might not be as different as we are made to believe. Their foundations may not be so different after all- they may both be equally strong or weak.
Doubt
It is so easy to classify people- to say things about them, to call them good or bad or stupid or intelligent, or to just tell them that what they are doing just does not make sense. I have myself done that all my life, only to realize that it was a mistake. And how did I realize? When people did the same to me, and I had nothing to say. Someone tells me that the thing that I am doing just does not make sense, and I keep quiet. Because I know that it does not make sense. But then a lot of things don't make sense in life. Someone tells me that I might be wrong. I again keep quiet because I know that I might be wrong, because this thought has already occurred to me, because I am unsure if I am wrong or not, and I don't know what to do to remove this doubt about my own actions and decisions. And all this frustrates me, since I don't want to do anything bad, or wrong; since I fear that, because I don't know, I may end up doing something bad, but the doubt gives me hope- hope that the decision might be right, or not-so-bad; and then someone comes to me and says that I might be wrong, or that he thinks that I am wrong, and I don't know what to say- either to him or myself.
And all this makes me realize that, may be, I should never do the same to anyone else; that I should never go up to a person and tell him that what you are doing is wrong. Because I don't know anything; because he may already have thought of it and may already be bothered by it. May be, I should just let things be- not poke my nose in anybody's life. May be, things will take care of themselves. May be, everything will be alright.
And all this makes me realize that, may be, I should never do the same to anyone else; that I should never go up to a person and tell him that what you are doing is wrong. Because I don't know anything; because he may already have thought of it and may already be bothered by it. May be, I should just let things be- not poke my nose in anybody's life. May be, things will take care of themselves. May be, everything will be alright.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
III
Vriksha was sitting in his room, and he was livid. He did not want his life to be the way it was. What did he want to change about it? He did not know. And that was the answer to most of the questions that ANYONE (including himself) asked him- I don't know. But he knew that he wanted to be passionate about something. He knew that he wanted to have something to do in his life- some aim that he could work towards. Or did he? He was not sure. He did not know. May be it was this 'not knowing' that was his problem. But he wasn't sure of this either.
He had sometimes thought that he would know what to do with his life if he was about to die, in say about a year or two. May be that's why he was not afraid of dying- or at least so he thought. Sometimes, he even thought it might be good for him if he got some deadly disease like AIDS or some incurable form of cancer. But he never tried getting them nor prayed to god to do so. It seemed ironic to him that an imminent death should be able to teach a person what to do with his life. If this was indeed true, then how could death be the opposite of life? May be they weren't so different after all. May be it was then possible that what we popularly consider to be death was, in actuality, just another form of life.
That's how Vriksha was- all these thoughts just came to him without any effort. And they made a lot of sense too. And so, one fine day, he had thought that he will write about a boy of his age who was about to die, and he would try to think like that boy, and may be then something would change inside him; may be then he would understand life. And so he had begun writing, and wrote for an hour or two, and then took a break and never returned to it afterwards. Well, that is how he was- he would attach extreme importance to things and then leave them as if there could not have been anything more trivial than them. It sometimes made him think if he actually gave any s**t about his life or not. And the only thing that came back to him in response to this thought was- I do not know.
He had sometimes thought that he would know what to do with his life if he was about to die, in say about a year or two. May be that's why he was not afraid of dying- or at least so he thought. Sometimes, he even thought it might be good for him if he got some deadly disease like AIDS or some incurable form of cancer. But he never tried getting them nor prayed to god to do so. It seemed ironic to him that an imminent death should be able to teach a person what to do with his life. If this was indeed true, then how could death be the opposite of life? May be they weren't so different after all. May be it was then possible that what we popularly consider to be death was, in actuality, just another form of life.
That's how Vriksha was- all these thoughts just came to him without any effort. And they made a lot of sense too. And so, one fine day, he had thought that he will write about a boy of his age who was about to die, and he would try to think like that boy, and may be then something would change inside him; may be then he would understand life. And so he had begun writing, and wrote for an hour or two, and then took a break and never returned to it afterwards. Well, that is how he was- he would attach extreme importance to things and then leave them as if there could not have been anything more trivial than them. It sometimes made him think if he actually gave any s**t about his life or not. And the only thing that came back to him in response to this thought was- I do not know.
II
Jal was sitting on his bed in front of his computer chatting away with three persons at a time. Vriksha lay sprawled on the same bed doing nothing- he liked doing nothing. Both had known each other for almost five years now but something had happened recently that turned them into the best of friends. It would not be an exaggeration to say that, if everything went well, they would be friends for life. Jal, as was his habit, suddenly started talking to Vriksha without disrupting his ongoing chat session with either of the three persons- the difficult times in our lives are the times when we grow as persons the most, when we learn the most. Vriksha nodded vigorously in agreement reflecting on his own tough times.
I
Vriksha stood quietly surrounded by a mass of people most of whom he did not know. All were male. The females stood in a group a short distance away. He did not understand. He thought that he should have wept by now. Why did he not feel like weeping. He did not know. He did not feel good about it. He had often thought that he could not feel anything anymore. He understood that there were advantages of being like that but he did not want to be like that. He had prayed to god to give him his feelings back. But did he ever have feelings?
A friend- one of the few known faces- came close, handed him a small wooden branch and said something in his ear. Vriksha complied and took a step towards the pyre burning in front of him and carefully placed the branch on the pyre. He stepped back to allow the others to do the same, and suddenly his eyes welled up. He started sobbing like a child. A friend hugged him to console him but this made him cry even harder. The friend took him and they both sat on a nearby bench. Vriksha stopped crying soon after and then watched the pyre burn- he sat quietly and watched the dance of the flames as they engulfed the body of his friend. Thoughts and stories came and went through his mind. This is what happens to all of us in the end, he thought. He sat and watched till there was nothing left to burn. Then, he got up and said good bye to his friend in his mind and hoped that he had heard it.
A friend- one of the few known faces- came close, handed him a small wooden branch and said something in his ear. Vriksha complied and took a step towards the pyre burning in front of him and carefully placed the branch on the pyre. He stepped back to allow the others to do the same, and suddenly his eyes welled up. He started sobbing like a child. A friend hugged him to console him but this made him cry even harder. The friend took him and they both sat on a nearby bench. Vriksha stopped crying soon after and then watched the pyre burn- he sat quietly and watched the dance of the flames as they engulfed the body of his friend. Thoughts and stories came and went through his mind. This is what happens to all of us in the end, he thought. He sat and watched till there was nothing left to burn. Then, he got up and said good bye to his friend in his mind and hoped that he had heard it.
Preface
"Sometimes you have to change the name of a character to a fictional one, even though you may not want to, for the sake of the concerned person- especially if that person is close to you."
Prologue/ Prelude/ Preface (Hey! What's the difference between them anyways? I never understood. The dictionary doesn't seem to know either.)
Alright. Some things need to be cleared at the onset. The world that I am about to describe- you do not know anything about it, yet. To understand, nay, to enjoy and appreciate this world, you must put your brain, your thoughts, your doubts, your logic aside- open your cupboard, keep all these things in it, close it, lock it safely and only then become a part of this journey-of-sorts. Well, locking is optional, but the other steps are necessary. Locks are needed only if you are afraid. You may ask 'afraid of what', and if you actually do, then you have not got my point. If you ask any such questions, or any question for that matter, you will not be able to appreciate what is to follow. Don't let your brain wander. Things may not make sense to you- why should they? Oh well! Now I am asking questions. But I am allowed to. I am allowed to do anything- this world is, after all, my conception. And so just tell yourself that it is alright if you find a mistake in this world- it is no big deal.
Let me mention one very interesting feature of this world just to get you a bit real on whatever I have said so far; oh wait! I think it will be convenient to give this world a name- so let us call it "Chade" (pronounced like the word "Shade"). Alrighty then. Now in Chade, the procedure of birth is not as cumbersome as in this world of yours. People may simply be born out of discussions and talks, even thoughts, among many other ways. But that does not mean that every thought and discussion will result in birth- just like every intercourse in your world does not result in birth.
And that should be all for now...
Prologue/ Prelude/ Preface (Hey! What's the difference between them anyways? I never understood. The dictionary doesn't seem to know either.)
Alright. Some things need to be cleared at the onset. The world that I am about to describe- you do not know anything about it, yet. To understand, nay, to enjoy and appreciate this world, you must put your brain, your thoughts, your doubts, your logic aside- open your cupboard, keep all these things in it, close it, lock it safely and only then become a part of this journey-of-sorts. Well, locking is optional, but the other steps are necessary. Locks are needed only if you are afraid. You may ask 'afraid of what', and if you actually do, then you have not got my point. If you ask any such questions, or any question for that matter, you will not be able to appreciate what is to follow. Don't let your brain wander. Things may not make sense to you- why should they? Oh well! Now I am asking questions. But I am allowed to. I am allowed to do anything- this world is, after all, my conception. And so just tell yourself that it is alright if you find a mistake in this world- it is no big deal.
Let me mention one very interesting feature of this world just to get you a bit real on whatever I have said so far; oh wait! I think it will be convenient to give this world a name- so let us call it "Chade" (pronounced like the word "Shade"). Alrighty then. Now in Chade, the procedure of birth is not as cumbersome as in this world of yours. People may simply be born out of discussions and talks, even thoughts, among many other ways. But that does not mean that every thought and discussion will result in birth- just like every intercourse in your world does not result in birth.
And that should be all for now...
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