It rained today

Once upon a time, when we were small kids, we were taught that water exists in three states- solid, liquid and gas. We were told that its properties are different in different states. We were also told that heat could transform water from one state to another, and that in its liquid state, water took the shape of the vessel in which it resides.

We sometimes wonder why there are so many Gods and Goddesses in the Hindu religion. And then, to complicate matters, some people also say that there is only one God; that all these Gods and Goddesses are simply different manifestations of that single God. This sometimes confuses us- how can God be one and also be many? If he is one, why does he have so many manifestations? How can he be both निर्गुण and सगुण? Why is it said that it is easier to worship him in his सगुण form? Why all these differences?

And somehow, we never wonder why does water have so many forms? Why can it be solid and liquid and gas? How can ice, water and water-vapor all be water? They are all obviously different- ice is very cold, and it is solid- we can hit and break it with a hammer, and we can see it, but water-vapor is not cold, and we cannot see it, and we can try to hammer it all we like but we will only tire ourselves as a result, and liquid water- it is simply amazing- it takes the shape of any vessel we put it in! And we can also drink it! It is the cure for our thirst. Then how can all these be the same thing? How can all these be water?

Existence

For the educated- the ones brought up on science, it is not difficult to believe that certain "things" exist that are beyond some of our senses. For example, there are things we cannot see but can smell and/or feel (air, LPG). So, it would not be hard for them to agree with the following statement-

Just because something cannot be seen does not mean that that thing does not exist.

Going a little further, one can even think of things that are beyond all our senses, but whose existence has been conclusively proven by science. Take the UV Rays for example. As far as I know, we humans cannot see them, feel them, smell them, hear them or taste them, but science says that they exist. And I guess that the basis of the proof of their existence is 'inference'. I am tempted to add 'inference' as the sixth sense that we possess, but I will try to resist the temptation for now. So, I guess, that an educated person may also easily agree that-

Just because something is beyond my five external senses does not mean that that thing does not exist.

Or, equivalently, there may be things that exist, that are beyond my external senses.

It should also be not too difficult to accept that the realization of the existence of something that lies beyond the reach of my senses cannot be had by the use of these senses alone- the use of some additional tool is necessary for such a realization, and that tool may conveniently be called an 'additional sense'. In the case of UV rays, that 'additional sense' was the brain, or possibly a certain portion of the brain that deals with logic and inference. If I had said that I would believe in the existence of UV rays only if I can 'perceive' them using my five senses and nothing else, I guess I would never have believed in their existence. So, if I were to depend on, and use, only my five senses, I think it would not be possible for me to realize that things beyond these senses may also exist. And if someone tried to explain about UV rays to me, I would not be able to understand.

Just like there is existence beyond the five senses, is it not possible that there is existence beyond the-senses-and-the-mind (or brain)? Beyond logic? Beyond inference? I do not think that it is possible to disprove, or understand, such an existence using only those tools beyond which this existence may lie.

It is said that God is beyond the reach of our senses and the brain.

An Evening Sky

There is a painting.
And hence, there must be a painter.

This is logical inference.

That there is the painted sky
With myriad colors,
And effortless transitions
From one color to another.
And hence, there must be a painter.

How can this be sheer stupidity?

It lifts my spirits
To imagine
That God must have hired
Some beloved painter
And tasked him
To paint the sky
Each day
And each moment
With the most beautiful colors
Till eternity

The God of Small Things

It was a small, and new thought. It had just come to me about a couple of hours ago. It had eluded me for years. Now that it had finally come, it seemed so natural, so simple, and so comforting.

Bee: (smiling, muttering under his breath, hardly audible) It is a beautiful day. God must have come down to our world for a walk today.

Zed: What?

Bee: What what? I was just talking to myself.

Zed: Oh. Anyways, we were talking about being selfish, weren't we?

Bee: We were? Ah, yes, we were. So what were we saying?

Zed: Well, I was saying that I don't like being selfish.

Bee: Oh! But you are not selfish. What makes you think you are?

Zed: Well, whatever I do I do because there is something in it for me.

Bee: (Smiling widely) Hm. And you don't like being that way?

Zed: Well, yes. I don't. It has troubled me for long. I don't want to be selfish. But I don't understand how anyone could do away with selfishness. Even if I do something for someone else, like making them happy, I do it because it will, after all, make me happy, or content, or make me feel good in some way.

Bee: (His wide smile has not left him. He is almost beaming now.) So, you are saying that you feel good by doing good to others?

Zed: Yes, I think so.

Bee: And so, you concluded that you do good to others only because it makes you feel good?

Zed: Obviously. What other motive or driving force could I possibly have?

Bee: Hm. I have a request to make of you. Please think and answer me if you will. Have you ever sacrificed your own happiness for someone else's?

Zed: Well, yes, you could say that.

Bee: So, you made someone happy by being unhappy yourself? You possibly felt miserable, bad?

Zed: You... I guess, you could put it that way.

Bee: But, since you did good to someone else, it must have made you feel good? (Bee was now radiating happiness- it seemed that any moment now, he might start emitting light.)

Zed: I would say so.

Bee: So you felt both miserable and good, at the same time?

Zed: (He was being infected by Bee's smile. His face bore a mixture of amusement and wonder.) Though one could contest that, but I would say it might have been the case.

Bee: So?

Zed: So... what?

Bee: Oh well! If you want me to say it... If you did good only because it makes you feel good, you wouldn't have made this sacrifice, because it also made you feel miserable.

Zed: Well, but it did make me feel good.

Bee: Hm. I must say you have a point, even though it is hard to understand how you could feel miserable, and good at the same time... Hm. Alright then, let's change our direction just a wee bit then. I don't want to think of anything else on this line right now.

Zed: Fine. 

Bee: Alright. Let's rewind a bit. So, you always feel good by doing good.

Zed: Yes.

Bee: And this implies that you do good because you feel good about it?

Zed: Right.

Bee: I do not agree. I consider this conclusion to be flawed. It seems to me that your feeling good is an effect of doing good, and not a cause.

Zed: I feel that it is both... But I must say that you have indeed made an interesting point.

Bee: Why thank you! I feel that there is no way in which either you or I can be certain about our claims, and so all I ask of you is not to be so sure about you being selfish.

Zed: (Simply smiles)

Bee: There is one more thing. May be I should have said it at the start itself. But nevertheless... Selfishness, according to me, is thinking only about yourself; having no concern for anyone else but yourself. And since you obviously do not think like that, you are not selfish. Simple and plain. You do have concern for others, and so you cannot be selfish, even if it be true that that concern arises solely out of your want to be happy yourself.

VII

All this uncertainty, this confusion is extremely frustrating. Knowing only that I don't know anything gets to me. And just when I have given up, when I don't know what to do, suddenly, from somewhere, hope comes. I can't see her but I can feel that she is beautiful- probably the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer. She lifts my spirits, puts a smile on my face, and I am made to wonder if I am in love, again.

I hope. I hope that soon I shall know. I hope that there will be peace soon. I hope that the churning uncertain waters will become tranquil soon. I hope that the questions will evaporate from the sea of questions soon.

And I hope that hope will keep coming back to me whenever I need her!

V

V

It has been a long time since I have been wanting to meet someone who understands me- I don't know if that will do me any good or not but nevertheless the want is there. I don't know where to look. I don't know if such a person exists or not.

May be I am just tired of trying to explain myself; tired of people telling me what is wrong with my thoughts; tired of trying to tell people not to try to find sense in  my thoughts, actions, decisions. May be I just want to meet someone who will accept me the way I am, the way I have become; someone who will not question; someone who will have answers- all the answers.

Can you tell me where to find such a person?

V

IV

For anyone who may come across this

There is something amiss. Something is not right. Sudden mood changes are not good signs. I don't know. Just leave me alone. Just let me be. Let me be whoever, however, whatever I am- good or bad, selfish or not, stupid or smart, senseless or sensible- I don't know what I am. So just don't classify me, don't tell me what I already fear might be true. I don't know how I will react, and I am saying this right now. So don't blame me later. Please for God's sake try and understand. Please.


Vriksha

F**k science! And logic!

It all converges to one concept- faith, belief. What is it that you believe in; what is it that appeals to you. Do you believe in logic, in reason, in science? Do you believe in the mystical, in religion? Cynics should say that this is blasphemy, that I am just rubbishing about, that faith has no place in science, in logic. Really? Let us examine things a bit more deeply.

Science is based on experiments, which are in turn based on sensory perception, and on inference. May be it will be better to consider an example. I say that we cannot be sure of anything in this world. You do not agree. You say that we know for sure that if I throw a ball in the air, it will come down. I ask why. You say because of the law of gravity- any two masses attract each other. I ask if this law is infallible. You say that it has been infallible so far because no exception has been observed. I ask if you can guarantee that just because no exception has been observed so far, no exception will ever be observed. You say that no one can guarantee that. End of discussion.

We do not know for sure if any damned given scientific law will hold in the next moment, but still we bank on these laws, we swear by them, we live and design our lives based on them. Why? Because these laws have been observed to be true for, let's say, a thousand years, or a million, or billion years. So? That does not mean that they will hold for another million years; that does not mean that these laws are infallible. The dinosaurs lived and thrived for millions of years but that did not guarantee their survival for eternity- according to science, one fine day, a meteor decided to visit our dear earth, and annihilated them. What argument can you give to assure me that any given law will not meet a similar fate?

Still, science is to be considered grater than religion. I do not agree. Is not the usage of these scientific laws based on blind faith? Does a man of science not believe that these laws are infallible? Does he not believe in observation and sensory perception? Can he justify his beliefs? If not, then science and religion might not be as different as we are made to believe. Their foundations may not be so different after all- they may both be equally strong or weak.

Doubt

It is so easy to classify people- to say things about them, to call them good or bad or stupid or intelligent, or to just tell them that what they are doing just does not make sense. I have myself done that all my life, only to realize that it was a mistake. And how did I realize? When people did the same to me, and I had nothing to say. Someone tells me that the thing that I am doing just does not make sense, and I keep quiet. Because I know that it does not make sense. But then a lot of things don't make sense in life. Someone tells me that I might be wrong. I again keep quiet because I know that I might be wrong, because this thought has already occurred to me, because I am unsure if I am wrong or not, and I don't know what to do to remove this doubt about my own actions and decisions. And all this frustrates me, since I don't want to do anything bad, or wrong; since I fear that, because I don't know, I may end up doing something bad, but the doubt gives me hope- hope that the decision might be right, or not-so-bad; and then someone comes to me and says that I might be wrong, or that he thinks that I am wrong, and I don't know what to say- either to him or myself.

And all this makes me realize that, may be, I should never do the same to anyone else; that I should never go up to a person and tell him that what you are doing is wrong. Because I don't know anything; because he may already have thought of it and may already be bothered by it. May be, I should just let things be- not poke my nose in anybody's life. May be, things will take care of themselves. May be, everything will be alright.

III

Vriksha was sitting in his room, and he was livid. He did not want his life to be the way it was. What did he want to change about it? He did not know. And that was the answer to most of the questions that ANYONE (including himself) asked him- I don't know. But he knew that he wanted to be passionate about something. He knew that he wanted to have something to do in his life- some aim that he could work towards. Or did he? He was not sure. He did not know. May be it was this 'not knowing' that was his problem. But he wasn't sure of this either.

He had sometimes thought that he would know what to do with his life if he was about to die, in say about a year or two. May be that's why he was not afraid of dying- or at least so he thought. Sometimes, he even thought it might be good for him if he got some deadly disease like AIDS or some incurable form of cancer. But he never tried getting them nor prayed to god to do so. It seemed ironic to him that an imminent death should be able to teach a person what to do with his life. If this was indeed true, then how could death be the opposite of life? May be they weren't so different after all. May be it was then possible that what we popularly consider to be death was, in actuality, just another form of life.

That's how Vriksha was- all these thoughts just came to him without any effort. And they made a lot of sense too. And so, one fine day, he had thought that he will write about a boy of his age who was about to die, and he would try to think like that boy, and may be then something would change inside him; may be then he would understand life. And so he had begun writing, and wrote for an hour or two, and then took a break and never returned to it afterwards. Well, that is how he was- he would attach extreme importance to things and then leave them as if there could not have been anything more trivial than them. It sometimes made him think if he actually gave any s**t about his life or not. And the only thing that came back to him in response to this thought was- I do not know.

II

Jal was sitting on his bed in front of his computer chatting away with three persons at a time. Vriksha lay sprawled on the same bed doing nothing- he liked doing nothing. Both had known each other for almost five years now but something had happened recently that turned them into the best of friends. It would not be an exaggeration to say that, if everything went well, they would be friends for life. Jal, as was his habit, suddenly started talking to Vriksha without disrupting his ongoing chat session with either of the three persons- the difficult times in our lives are the times when we grow as persons the most, when we learn the most. Vriksha nodded vigorously in agreement reflecting on his own tough times.

I

Vriksha stood quietly surrounded by a mass of people most of whom he did not know. All were male. The females stood in a group a short distance away. He did not understand. He thought that he should have wept by now. Why did he not feel like weeping. He did not know. He did not feel good about it. He had often thought that he could not feel anything anymore. He understood that there were advantages of being like that but he did not want to be like that. He had prayed to god to give him his feelings back. But did he ever have feelings?

A friend- one of the few known faces- came close, handed him a small wooden branch and said something in his ear. Vriksha complied and took a step towards the pyre burning in front of him and carefully placed the branch on the pyre. He stepped back to allow the others to do the same, and suddenly his eyes welled up. He started sobbing like a child. A friend hugged him to console him but this made him cry even harder. The friend took him and they both sat on a nearby bench. Vriksha stopped crying soon after and then watched the pyre burn- he sat quietly and watched the dance of the flames as they engulfed the body of his friend. Thoughts and stories came and went through his mind. This is what happens to all of us in the end, he thought. He sat and watched till there was nothing left to burn. Then, he got up and said good bye to his friend in his mind and hoped that he had heard it.  

Preface

"Sometimes you have to change the name of a character to a fictional one, even though you may not want to, for the sake of the concerned person- especially if that person is close to you."


Prologue/ Prelude/ Preface (Hey! What's the difference between them anyways? I never understood. The dictionary doesn't seem to know either.)


Alright. Some things need to be cleared at the onset. The world that I am about to describe- you do not know anything about it, yet. To understand, nay, to enjoy and appreciate this world, you must put your brain, your thoughts, your doubts, your logic aside- open your cupboard, keep all these things in it, close it, lock it safely and only then become a part of this journey-of-sorts. Well, locking is optional, but the other steps are necessary. Locks are needed only if you are afraid. You may ask 'afraid of what', and if you actually do, then you have not got my point. If you ask any such questions, or any question for that matter, you will not be able to appreciate what is to follow. Don't let your brain wander. Things may not make sense to you- why should they? Oh well! Now I am asking questions. But I am allowed to. I am allowed to do anything- this world is, after all, my conception. And so just tell yourself that it is alright if you find a mistake in this world- it is no big deal.

Let me mention one very interesting feature of this world just to get you a bit real on whatever I have said so far; oh wait! I think it will be convenient to give this world a name- so let us call it "Chade" (pronounced like the word "Shade"). Alrighty then. Now in Chade, the procedure of birth is not as cumbersome as in this world of yours. People may simply be born out of discussions and talks, even thoughts, among many other ways. But that does not mean that every thought and discussion will result in birth- just like every intercourse in your world does not result in birth.

And that should be all for now...